"We have taken a whole week to consider and reconsider the case and cannot decide otherwise under our present circumstances. When we, at first, agreed to accept your offer (for foster care for ans) is seemed a heaven sent solution to a problem. We were living in a small house that Martin wanted to rebuild. A small house gets even smaller in the wintertime when the children have to stay inside most of the time, and we have four children besides Hans, two older than him and two younger. the youngest being playpen size. Hans hates the noise of hammering and sawing, probably because it hurts his head and we expected him to cry all the time Martin was working at the house.
I write you this so you will understand why we said 'yes' then. Under the circmstances we could not afford to say 'no', because it would hurt Hans and we felt that God was making a way for him and us to make his life bearable. We have prayed much about him and we have always felt that God would either heal him or take him away by the time we had learned the lesson He would teach us through Hans. It was hard for me to accept that the State would relieve us from a cross, but still it was not impossible and as I said, we could not afford to say 'no' at that time.
We filled out the application for the Lincoln State School and then sat down and waitied. In the meantime, however, we had to move out of our little house becuse its roof had become a fire hazard. Twice a fire started by a spark out of the chimney on the tinder dry wooden shingles. It did not do any damage at all, but we could not have a fire in the stove anymore and we moved out. Now we are renting a house that has plenty room for all of us, including Hans, while Martin is doing the rebuilding he has planned on our own house without bothering Hans with the noise.
All these things happened so fast and we felt so strongly the protection and guidance of God's hand that we can only thankfully say that God has given His solution to Hans' particular problem and to a few other problems, too. As I said, we have taken a whole week to consider this matter and we realize that this is for us a chance which many not come back in years, and that Hans may become a problem again and again, but we feel that we don't have a right to worry about that. Our belief that we do not need the State to take care for our family has once more been established, even though at first we were ready to give in, in face of the difficulties we saw ahead."
Then comes the letter to Dr Schwartz on Dec 31. 1963
"We hearby let you know that our son Hans died still quite unexpectedly last week, Thursday, December 26, round 1 o'clock in the afternoon. So the head circumference we sent you December 11th has ha s been the last one. We hope they have been of service to you."
Hans died at age 4 years, and 26 days. I was 15 months old when Hans was born and a little more than 5 years old when he died. I have no direct recollections of my life at that time. What I know about Hans is from the stories told by Mom and by these letters I've found since she's died. But I believe that his life, and my parents' response to the challenge set before them, influenced me and prepared me to be Emily's mother.
Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you." I believe that Hans and Emily were not accidents, that God forms each one of us, and knows each one of us individually.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I believe that Hans and Emily (and each one of us) have a purpose to fulfill here, and when that's done, we're gone.
I believe that this life on this earth is but a blink in our existence, that there is very much more to our eternity. And I believe that Hans and Emily are not in my past, but in my future.
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