An open letter to the girls of Sue Mitchell’s Girl Scout
troop, Jan.
3, 2018
My
heart goes out to each of you as you are dealing with Amber’s death. Having
faced death before, I’ve learned a bit about how to live in the life after
death. I hope you will let me share.
First of all, grief is not something you will
“get over” or “get through”. Grief is now part of your life’s journey. While she was alive, you were
profoundly changed by your relationship with Amber and now, you
are profoundly changed by her death. You cannot go “back to the way it was”, or
“back to normal”. But here is the hope: The
pain you feel now will not always be this constant or this sharp. You will find
a new normal, a good normal, even, a happy normal. So how
do you do that?
1. Realize that grief is different than
depression, but also realize that you can get “stuck in grief” and with that comes
depression.
Right now, the
crying, the loneliness, the ‘sinking into the memories, unable to function kind’
of sadness is typical. But as time goes
by, you will make a decision, either consciously
or unconsciously: Does grief control me, or do I control grief?
2. Acknowledge that although grief is a permanent
presence in your life, you get to make the rules about what he (grief) can do,
and when he can do it.
3. Beware of the
ambushes. Memories are great, until
they come at the wrong time, in the wrong place, and you lose it in the middle of
Krogers and strangers wanna call you an ambulance and they don’t understand
that your heart is broken, and the ER can’t fix it.
4. Put your grief in
a box. It’s a bit of embarrassing to
have a full blown grief attack at Krogers, or at work, or in the middle of family
Christmas, so what do you do with grief when he wants to run uncontrolled in
your life? You put him in a box. Not a cardboard box, but a box in your mind.
You might think that it would be a good thing to put the lid on tight and never
open it because if you do, all the memories and pain and grief will come out.
But if you don’t control when that lid comes off, it becomes like a ‘Jack-in-the-box’
and the crank turns and turns and without warning, it pops open and all the
contents fly out all over everyone around.
For a while,
keep that box on a low shelf in your mind. Open it a lot. Open it intentionally, on your terms. Choose when and how you will grieve. As time
goes by, you’ll find that you will open it less and less. You may feel guilty about that. You might feel
like you are forgetting Amber, and that you are dishonoring her memory. But
that’s just part of walking your journey. I remember laying on Emily’s grave about 6 months
out. The guy mowing the cemetery stopped
to check on me. I told him that I felt
guilty that I was only coming once a week instead of every day. He told me “I’ve been watching you. You’re right on schedule. That’s just the way
it is. It means you’re healing up.” Those words freed me from the obligation to stay
stuck in the same spot in my journey. He
freed me from being stuck in grief. You
will always have that box with you, and amazingly, one day when you open that box, you’ll discover that
those same memories that cause you so much pain now, have morphed into your
prized possession.
5. Give your grief a job. Like having a
benefit, or writing a note to Adrianna. Like “adopting a kid” in a 3rd
world country, or setting up a scholarship, or volunteering to feed the
homeless. Easing someone else’s suffering, somehow, eases yours. And somehow, it will give meaning to a
meaningless death. Amber is like a stone thrown into a pond. Her life rippled
into ours. And her ripples will continue with anything
you do to honor of her memory.
6. Be gentle with
yourself and with others. Your grief
is proportional to the relationship you had with Amber. Just as your
relationship with Amber was different from everyone else’s, so your grief will
be different as well. Don’t put
expectations on others to grieve the same as you. And don’t expect yourself to grieve
the same way others do. All that will do
is to isolate you from the other people who loved Amber, too.
That's enough for now. Keep on walking. And if you find yourself stuck, call me, text
me, friend me. 618-889-0587
I send you love
and hugs,
Anne
