I crave creating. I enjoy quilting, and have 2 quilts in varying degrees of (non) completion. To pacify the frustration of the delayed gratification of quilting, I scrapbook. I have about 15 scrapbooks which are in unfinished project status. Now mind you, I also have about 20 scrapbooks that are completed, and I'll boast, are pretty darn good. But the hobby that satisfies both my creativity and my need for completion is cooking. I currently have NO meals that are half done! No meals that wait for just that right ingredient to show up, no meals that look mostly done, but need just the perfect finishing touch. In just one hour's time, I can start, and complete a whole meal! And usually, they're pretty darn good, too.
As executor of my parents' estate, there are many open projects: dispensing with all their worldly possessions, dispersing inheretence to siblings, making memory albums and photo albums of our childhoods and of our parents lives, and doing a geneology search of our family tree.
At home, there's the garden and the fruit trees that produce, not just good food, but more projects that need to be done: strawberry, plum and peach jams, pickles, relish, and freezer stock-up.
Then there's the job. If only it could be 'go to work, come home'. But there's always a committee, a class to attend, or a class to teach.
I could go on and on. There's just too much to do and not enough me to do it all. I've realized that even the most enjoyable projects can become a burden. The endless "need to do" list becomes a weight that drags me down and interferes with the stuff of life that really matters. So, I've been saying "No" to new projects, and have completed several before I've allowed myself to start new ones. I've even given up on some hobbies.
But it's more than just about projects. The reality of it is that I am addicted to being busy. I find that my identity, my self- worth is in being busy. Being productive is where I'm comfortable. I have trouble sitting still. I am the helper, the do-er. I seek and find approval from others by being busy.
This poetry came out during the black part of my life. Now, 10 years later, life is great. But still I stay 'too busy'. I still reject grace by doing it myself.
I HIDE
Stay busy – can’t think.
Stay busy – can’t feel.
Stay busy – can’t hurt.
Stay busy – can’t deal.
Stay busy – can’t heal.
Annemarieke, 8/04/02
GRACE
I fight the voices in my head.
I’m held captive by their lies.
I don’t even know it.
I move through life on a tether of
other people’s needs.
I imagine I’m good when I perform.
I am deceived.
I hear of grace and am amazed.
I stand approved despite myself.
Free grace, the gift I try to earn.
Annemarieke 8/2/02
