There's 2 sides to a coin and there's always at least 2 sides to everything in life.  So it is with traveling.    At the same time there is joy in the going, there is grief in the leaving.
       I am leaving my family, and granny days, and holiday traditions.
       I am leaving my grocery store and my gas station, and my bank, and my post office and my church and all the familiar faces who are woven into the fabric of my life and who are now part of my past.     
       I am leaving dear friends, and trusted co-workers.  I am leaving patients whom I have shared intimate events in their lives.  I am leaving my reputation, and leaving the mark I have made in the evolution of the department.
      The saying is "You can't ever go back home"  doesn't mean you can't go back from where you left.   It means that the home you left is not the same home you will return to.   Buildings will be torn down, or re-purposed, businesses will close down, children will grow up, people will change or move, relationships will fade.
      If I think about all that too much, I could almost talk myself out of going, but when I look at the other side of the coin,  I am certain of my decision to go.  I am not running away from a person or a situation, I am running to an adventure, an experience of a lifetime!

    
   

      I think I've always had a yen to travel, to go somewhere new and exciting. But too often, it was not just about going somewhere, it was also about leaving somewhere. 
      I was in 3rd grade the first time I went to Girl Scout camp, and for the next 10 years, those 2 weeks each summer provided a respite from a hard life.
      At age 19, I ran from my childhood, straight into the arms of my first husband.  I was full of dreams of the things we'd do and the places we'd go.  But 10 years later, I was in an empty marriage.  Many nights, instead of putting Seth to bed, I'd put him in the backseat, go to Marion, and at the point where Rt 13 and Rt 57 intersect, I'd drive up the on-ramp, and down the either side, then cross over to the other direction and do the same.  Sometimes I drove that cloverleaf once, sometimes 2 or 3 times, until the need to escape could be contained.
     I was 33 years old when Emily was born with Down Syndrome. Mingled in all the joys that she brought in our lives, there still was grief over the things I imagined I had lost.  I became resigned that I would live my life out as the caretaker of an adult child.
     12 years later, when I met Ray, I was a single mother and traveling was the last thing on my mind.  It was Ray who encouraged me to let Emily attend a week-long camp for kids with disabilities.  The day I picked her up and she didn't want to come home, was the day that it occured to me that she had needed a vacation from me as much as I had needed a vacation from her. 
    Emily unexpectedly died 4 years later, at age 16, and we were abruptly thrust into an empty next.  Mingled with this overwhelming grief came the realization that one chapter of my life had closed, and another chapter was waiting to be written.  A chapter that could include traveling.
    Soon after Emily's death, it became evident that my mother's forgetfulness was much more than that and I set aside my dreams to help care for my parents. 
     Now, with both my parents gone,  it's time.  It's time to fulfill a dream.  It's time to travel.
  

Grey's Anatomy

                                                                                          11/4/15

Yesterday, at work, before I gave my patient her pain med – I checked her ID bracelet and asked her name and birthdate  - “4/4/91” That date, so casually spoken, shot, like an arrow in my heart.  That’s the day Emily was born. 

I expected a flood of grief and pain but there wasn’t any.  Instead, what I felt was curiousity for that lack.  I explored what it would be like to be the mother of a grown woman, 24 years old, who had just had a baby, and except for feeling a bit deprived from ever having that experience, I went on with my day.

Later that evening, on the loveseat with Ray, watching the TV show “Grey’s anatomy”,   Mark Sloan was taken off life support.

That’s when the grief came.  The pain of 8 years ago, of making that same decision, of being with Emily when we stopped her life support, I cried like my own heart was freshly broken.

Grief is like that. We don’t get to choose when the attack comes.  But we learn to stuff the pain until the time is right to let it out.  We learn how to fake that we are OK, until we really are OK.

Yet will I praise Thee

 Gayle Wolff was the praise leader at the church I attended 20+ years ago.  She wrote a song then that still resonates in me.  It's called "Yet will I praise Thee"
 It's based from the scripture in Habakkuk 3:17 &18.
    Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vine
    Though the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food
    Though the flock is cut off from the fold, and there are no cattle in the stalls.
    Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will exult in the victorious God of my salvation.

There are days that I do everything I'm supposed to do and still the result doesn't make sense.  I don't get it, I don't see it, I don't understand it, I can't control it.  Those are the days that I sing Gayle's song.  I don't remember all the words, but I remember the message.
    " Yet will I praise Him, even in the night, even in the midst of the storm!"  

 The message is: FOCUS.  Focus, not on myself,  not on the government, not on my friends and family. Focus on the God of my salvation. Those are the days that I remind myself of the next verse: Habakkuk 3:19  Not only is it the next verse, it is the last verse in Habakkuk.  There is nothing more to say.
     The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, my invincible army.
     He makes me to walk (not stand still in terror, but to walk)
     To make spiritual progress in my troubles and suffering. 









    

Satan is alive and well and after you

   I first got this message in Jan 2012,  after we were unjustly treated by a fellow church member.

It left us reeling.  We were so hurt.  We struggled with what to do next. What follows is the "gameplan" that we came up with.  I wish that I could tell you that everything has been resolved, that we are now living happily ever after, but that is not way it is.  The ripple effect of that situation continues.  What I can tell you is that God's Word is truth, and that God is faithful to complete the work He started in us.

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Satan is not after the lost, he already has them. Satan is after us, the children of God, the church!

Your enemy, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone he can devour. (1 Peter 5:8

For our struggles is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12) 
  

When the attack came, we were tempted to react in an ungodly manner. But that would only have played right into Satan’s plan.

     Do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:27)

We wanted to react with:       The Word tells us:

Anger                         Have you any right to be angry? (Jonah 4:4)

Anxiety/worry           Be anxious about nothing. (Phil 4:6)

Fear                           For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power,love and self control

                                          ( 1Tim 1:7 )

Withdrawal                Let us not give up meeting together, let us encourage one another. 

                                           (Hebrews 10:25)

Hate                           Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse. (Romans 12:14)

Retaliation                 Do not repay anyone evil with evil. Vengeance is mine says the Lord. 

                                           (Romans 12:17-19)

Judgment                    Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  (Matt 7:1)

Grudges                      Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and every form of

                                    malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other.  

                                             (Ephesians 4:31,32)

Pride                         Pride goes before a destruction (Proverbs 16:18) 

Instead, we chose to remain Christlike.

Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground,

And after you have done everything, to stand.      

Stand firm, then with the belt of truth around your waist,

with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

and with your feet  fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

In addition, take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Take the helmet of salvation,

and the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers.   (Ephesians 6:13-18)

Resist the devil and he will flee. (James 4:7)

And always remember that it is: Not my ability, but God’s!   Not my battle, but the Lord’s

Put on the full armor (AKA: I ran over a Rabbit)

   

   I ran over a rabbit.

   He ran from one side of the road to the other. 3 times he zigged and zagged   Just when I thought it was OK for me to drive on, he zigged right back under my wheels to his death.            

                        

I thought about his crazy actions and realized that they were an instinctual way to avoid his enemy. But I was not a fox, and his usual strategies to escape his natural enemies failed him when he came head to head with my car.

   The "aha" moment: I focus on learning all about Jesus, but I try to avoid satan, who, all the while is roaming to and fro, seeking to devour me. 

    Avoidance is not a strategy that works.  Not only must I put on the full armor of God, I must become intimately acquainted with my enemy and his tactics so that I may be able to use the weapons of my warfare.

   Ephesians 6:  10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.…

                                              

Perspective

                                             CORNFIELD MAZE

Perspective:

Imagine walking through a cornfield Maze.  The cornstalks loom tall on either side of you.   You come to a junction, and wonder which direction to take.  It can be frightening.  You wonder if you can find your way out.

Imagine looking at the Maze from an airplane.  The designs are amazing, beautiful.

When we encounter difficulties in life, it’s like walking thru a Cornfield maze.  We feel surrounded by our problems. We can't find our way out. We wonder about decisions and wonder how the situation will ever end.

But God has a different perspective.  He sees the whole picture, and He knows the beginning from the end.   The Word tells us:

Isaiah 55: 8  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher that your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

And God does not expect us to go through troubles by ourselves.  Matt 28:20  “I will be with you all the day”

Isaiah 30:21  "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, walk this way”